mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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