I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
