I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
