he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
