I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
