Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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