he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
