pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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