so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
