never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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