I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
