you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
