please come you make the beer taste better
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
