Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
