My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
