Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
