Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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