I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
