and you said cock pushups were impossible
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
