im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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