So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
