How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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