She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
