dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
