I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You're like the curious george of whores
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
