people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
