Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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