Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
