I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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