Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
