i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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