puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
