I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
