just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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