batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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