In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
