thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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