i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
