I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
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