Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
