Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
