Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
