Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
