She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
