2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
