Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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