You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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