My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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