TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
