I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
