I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
